MOOM

I asked HIM “ What shall I write about today ?”

I already know I want to write about our journey , but bear with me , I have hesitations . Definately a confidence issue to work on!

He shared , “ I’m not special” . “Other people have had similar experiences as me” . “ We are all special” .

So, awareness that everyone is special yet not believing himself to be special ????

There’s the topic .

Fundamentally I am sure/ hopeful everyone agrees we are all special .

I’d like to explore why you or others may not feel special . Why and what makes you feel “ unworthy” or “ insignificant” ? Whatever the word attached to the feeling. Likewise , for you or anyone who feels special and does not stray from their positive self worth and compassion- share, share, share and a massive congratulations – I LOVE TO LEARN FROM OTHERS. What made/ makes you know and believe, NO DAMN IT , I’m bloody special !!!

What does special mean to you guys ? I’d love to know .

Is it others reactions and responses that makes a person feel special ?

Our Reflections

Mmm , do I feel special ?

Ummm , No . Do I need to feel special ? Well , it is nice . I think my struggle comes from a lack of self worth. I have been criticised many times both in childhood and adulthood .

I grew up with a mother who literally loved to serve her husband, my father . I was taught many things not to do incase of if causing offence . This has now manifested itself into being just like my Mum and apologising for everything I do !!My Mum ‘s guidance came from a good place , it actually taught me to reflect , I love my Mum . I believe I need to give myself more self – compassion , a quality I find hard .

Mum serving a husband and living with criticism , I believe ultimately led to me entering an abusive relationship that lasted nine years and ended eleven years ago . I accepted the behaviours as normal and allowed my mental health and self worth to dramatically decline where I have never been quite the same as I was before – I’m a survivor !

When did my self worth start improving ? Well , I met one of the most kind hearted men I know and married him. He broke down my walls ‘ brick by brick’ , and we intended to use those ‘bricks’ to build a path for our future. My self worth increased but I realised there was something missing and maybe we were not as compatible , at the same time , a bit of a contradiction on my part . I left him because I thought he deserved better than being with someone who had doubts about the relationship . By the way , the guilt was unreal.

And then BAM ! my old friend , fresh out of prisons abroad with hidden substance misuse . I supported him through it . He popped into my world again . I learned confidence from him , I went through secondary trauma and relived behaviours and heartache that were all the same red flags from my abusive relationship. Why didn’t I leave? Was I addicted to him or to the feeling of being alive , the feeling that I was special and helpful to a 360 degree turn in his life . Regardless. , I am currently working with Mental health services. I am truly enjoying the relationship I have with the kind , fun reflective , spiritual and hard working man “ HIM” . It’s been a ride. Anyone , currently supporting a friend, partner or family member through substance misuse and trauma , please seek support for yourself .

I’m special because I am supportive , I am knowledgable of pain, sometimes self inflicted . I use that knowledge to try to understand others and my own pain. I sit with the feelings and channel them into making crafts . I am special and worthy . We may not always get it right. I show self compassion now , it’s a journey.

Here is the first meditative Art piece that started my journey of recovery !

Please leave a comment or email moomjourney@gmail.com

If you made it this far , Thanks for reading 🙂